Rebel Dog In The Spotlight

I feel so inadequate whenever I step into the kitchen at school. This is my dream and nothing has ever meant this much to me. I have never been more invested in something and, because of that, I have never been more afraid of failure.

It’s like I don’t want to touch anything because I don’t want to mess up, ya know? I don’t want to fail and have to live with knowing that the one thing I want to do most is something that I’m not capable of doing.

I was two semesters away from a Bacholer’s degree. I was an Administrative Assistant at a museum and my close friendship with the curator there would have given me connections whenever it was time for me to apply for internships involving the curating aspect of museums. I had a solid life plan and I gave all that up to pursue my dream of being a pastry chef.

I can’t fail. I just can’t.

Failing would mean that I walked away from a very promising and budding career to live in mediocrity.

I won’t accept that for my life. I just won’t.

Making tentative plans with my bestie for my visit in May.

I say tentative because we hardly ever stick to plans.

So far, it has been established that I will finally get to eat at a pub. Neither one of us can drink but since I can’t afford to go to Ireland, she’s going to take me to eat at a pub and watch live music.

Super exited for May!

ohemgeeitsrachelmarie:

It’s in my name and I paid for it all on my own.

I’m so proud of myself!

Missouri in May to see my best friend!

I’ll also be getting my Oh, Sleeper tattoo.

Stoked.

After spending 6 hours in the ER I’m looking forward to just laying around my house.

The nurse said the pill for my back will make me sleepy but the other two won’t.

Sleepland, here I come.

I came home early from work after throwing up twice after I clocked in.

I can’t even keep Sprite down and I’ve thrown up two more times since I’ve been home.

I hate being sick.

goldensomething:

Is your love really Love?
Is my love really Love?
I think our love isn’t Love,
Unless it’s Love to the end.

Is your god really God?
Is my god really God?
I think our god isn’t God,
If he fits inside our heads.

A girl from the deli was trying to help me get cupcakes ready for the SPI that they randomly decided to change even through I was the only cake decorator today. I appreciated it but she is so messy.

I didn’t mind that either as long as she stayed out of my work space. I went to break and when I came back, she’d migrated to my work space as well as hers AND she mixed a color that we already had. She was just too lazy to walk in the back and see if we had a bucket of it. She got icing all over my side of the floor area and she didn’t bother to clean it up.

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO KEEP A CLEAN WORK STATION?!?!?!?

Don’t even get me started on how she doesn’t properly know how to fill a piping bag. How hard is it to roll the bag down so icing isn’t spilling out of the top? How about not filling the bag so much that you can’t properly squeeze icing out of it.

I understand that when decorating cakes, things are going to get dirty. Icing will inevitably end up in a place that will have you scratching your head and wondering just how it got there, but at least clean up after yourself.

And I feel kinda bad about being irritated when she was trying to help.

When it comes to my work station or whatever I’m decorating. Ihatewhenever someone just hops in and starts adding stuff to what I’m doing. I understand they’re trying to help and I’m too nice to tell them to leave my stuff alone.

Ugh. I spent most of the day irritated.

I made it through yesterday.

The gate to the cemetery was locked so I’m putting flowers on her grave today. I’m not sure what kind they are, but they’re purple. That was her favorite color. I meant to only buy one bundle, but I couldn’t help myself. I don’t ever want my Mother’s grave to look like no one visits or cares.

Today marks six years since my mother passed away. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her and I hope that I’m making her proud of the person I am and the life I’m living.

Prayers would be greatly appreciated today, followers.

I’ve got more people who want to make their children’s birthday cakes.

This is all so wonderful and exciting!

Praise the Lord for opening doors!

dearoldlove:

I still have a soft spot for you. I hope it calcifies. 

Someone at work wants to pay me to make her son’s birthday cake.

So stoked!

One step closer to my dreams.

Me: I’m starting to think this was a mistake. I could have stayed and gotten my degree in history and barely gotten my minor in business. It would have been so easy.

My best friend: Alex, do you remember when you got D’s on every single Econ test you took that one semester.

Me: Yes.

MBS: And we laughed about it right?

Me: Yes.

MBS: That’s because you didn’t care. I mean, sure, you weren’t intentionally trying to get a bad grade, but you weren’t bothered by it because you didn’t really care about marginal utility and the demand curve.

Me: Which wasn’t even a freakin’ curve, Ratchel. IT’S A STRAIGHT LINE.

MBS: Let’s try to stick to the topic at hand, shall we? Look, it wasn’t important to you and any time you got an A on a history exam, it was to be expected because you were so boss at it. Now, now, it matters. Which is why called me that first day after your class and were so excited about making scones. You don’t even like scones, Alex!

Me: Those were some good scones, bro.

MBS: Besides the point. The reason you’re so upset about the suckfest that was yesterday is because it matters.And that’s a good thing.You’ve finally find something that fills you with utter elation when it goes right and throws you into a tailspin when it goes wrong. Embrace it. Allow yourself a day or to question if you are capable of doing this and then come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter if you’re the best. It just matters how much you want it. I’ve known you for quite awhile now. I know how badly you want this. I don’t care if everyone else seemed to have it all figured out while you struggled. You dust off that chef’s jacket and you go back there next Saturday ready to kick butt and bake cake.

Me: We’re not baking cake next class period.

MBS: After all I just said, THAT’S the part you pick up on? Really?

Me: Just kidding. Thanks for being such a good friend.

School today was one big epic fail.

I’m starting to think that I’m not good enough for the one thing I want to do the most.

Having friends who are committed to making sure you see how beautiful you truly are is such a huge blessing.

Thank you God for bringing such amazing friends into my life.

I can totally appreciate bringing to light Kony’s actions, especially since the LRA has been in operation since 1987.

However, after research, I can’t get behind Invisible Children’s movement because of their support of the Sudan Peole’s Liberation Army.

The SPLA has several war crimes under their belt and were documented in 2004 to having an estimated 2,500 and 5,000 child soldiers even though they claim that they no longer have them among their ranks.

I’m all for bring attention to Kony and the LRA, but I won’t put my support behind an organization that supports the SPLA.

dearoldlove:

I got over you many times. 

dearoldlove:

I’m sorry I gave up on you. I never meant to. You were just sucking the life out of me. Draining who I was.